rancid rants

(really downer and self-indulgent post, click here to avoid the melodrama. just refresh after a few days/weeks to see a new post.)

for the past few weeks, i've been noticing that i've been letting a whole lot of things pass through the cracks. i forget errands, appointments, deadlines, etc. i feel that there is a general dissatisfaction throughout what i'm doing, thus only enabling me to muddle on by. there is no one cause; it's more of a confluence of factors, mostly minor, but gradually chipping away at my soul.

thing is, i shouldn't be feeling this way. i shouldn't be confused or adrift, especially at my late 20s. not that that figure should mean anything, but at this age, my father already had me. or say at this age, a host of my batchmates had their own businesses or running their mini-empires in their organizations. when my contemporaries get down and get presented with other options, it's at the very least a lateral movement; i get offered for paycuts.

is it because what i do is so undefinable, that i get to be undervalued? is it because i follow a timetable, that i have to pass up the better deals? is it because i'm too patient, i become to complacent, and thus let the opportunities pass me by? do i need to be angry and raring to go to spot the tiniest window, and maybe that'll be my chance of bettering myself?

and what i do, what's it worth? in all aspects of my life, why does it seem that the actions i make with the greatest effort bring me the littlest (if any) rewards (if not outright losses). and cosmically ironic, why do the things i do with the minimal of effort bring me the biggest rewards? and most frustrating of all, why can't i pinpoint and sustain those moments of minimalist efforts? and does focusing on trying to do less make me a lazy bum?

as an example, what's the point on pouring your sweat on something when you only lose half an inch on your gut? i have to struggle in order to minimize the weight, like eating less? and to what goal? my personal vanity? and why do others seem to have an easier time at this?

it's not only the gym struggle, it's a host of other things too. it has become a series of "what's the point" questions. i plod on, hoping that in plodding, i find that point. that's what's keeping me on, the hope that there is a point, that there will be improvement, that there will be a reward.

but what if that hope is illusory? what if i've wasted my time hoping when i could've switched my options for something else that can bring me better rewards? but how do i know if it's a better option as well?

and is this my only window? to rant about it to the world in general? because everyone else around me is sick and tired of hearing nothing but my rants? that it has become so repetitive that it's pointless?

times like these, i wish i had vices to drown it out. but i don't, so i blog.

and i am so damned sick and tired of trying to rationalize it by saying i've got it better, i'm lucky i have so-and-so, i'm luckier than the majority in this land of bagoong, binalot, and basketball. it only reminds me that i have been complacent, that i could do better but i don't.

i wish i was like javajunkie who could let loose a host of diatribes and tirades; i simply am not that rebellious. i wish i was like viva_glam and hide her feelings through song; i simply am not that creative. so i just blog it as it is.